Right now I'm at jimmy & Amy's waiting on Adam to get done with whatever it is he's doing at his grandmother's house (which is directly behind Jimmy &Amy's). I think he's confronting his dad & Traci about the fact that they up and got married without telling anyone--particularly Adam or Lisa. That's pretty fucked up. But none of my business, really. Either way, that's probably not a fun conversation so I'm staying out of it.
I've been kind of blah lately. Working my ass off. Hopefully I'll have a good next couple checks for Xmas shopping and enough to give Lisa $200 to help with rent. She only asks $125, but seeing as Adam and Glenn are both out of a job and Shawn doesn't pay rent, I'm gonna try to give her whatever I can. Word has it we'll be booted come summer anyway. The landlord sold the house to his daughter and they plan to move into it by then. Yet none of us are actively looking for alternative places to live o_O
So, I finally started reading Twilight. It is absolutely amazing. I couldn't stop reading it. I stayed up all night while Adam was gone at the unemployment office and finished the first book (Twilight, duh). Shawn's supposed to bring me New Moon soon so I can start on it. He's been pushing me to read them against my resistance to the trend for months, so he's ecstatic. I have the sudden urge to re-watch the movie now that I've read the book.
That's really as exciting as my life's been. Sad. Oh, and in the meantime of waiting for New Moon, I've started the Left Behind series also. We had a sudden whim at the thrift store and bought the first eight books for Adam. It's well written but not as addicting as Twilight....god I'm a nerd. But I haven't read a whole book at all this year.
Ok, so not books,...upcoming events:
December 13th, Olivia's 1st birthday party at Nana's.
Dec 15, Kait Pedri's 20th/Olivia's 1st birthday
Dec 20, Jimmy & Amy's wedding, 3pm/First day of Yuletide
Dec 24th, Xmas Eve at Nana's
Dec 25, Xmas morning with Adam
Dec 31, Calender's New Year's Eve
Which for some reason reminds me to write about Thanksgiving. Adam and I were invited to three different dinners: Nana's with Todd's family, Traci's dinner with Adam's dad & Pawpaw, & Glenn's parents', where we ended up going.
Glenn's parents have like 30acres of land...ok I don't remember exactly how many, but somewhere around thirty. They have two beautiful mares, one of which is an Arabian/Mustang pregnant with a Tenn. Walker's baby. That will be one pretty foal.
Anyways, Adam's mom & stepdad Mike came, but other than that it was just us. Shawn was working so he couldn't go, but we brought him a plate. Harper got to come, making a total of six dogs in the house, but the house was a huge log cabin, so the dogs didn't really cramp it. I had a good time. We watched figure skating and went down to see the gravesite of some Confederate on the property...which was really an excuse to go smoke a joint, but the grave was cool. Oh, and Lisa had to drive me out to Dollar General (one of like three stores open on Thanksgiving Day) to buy tampons, which was nice and embarrassing for me. I managed to be so discreet that by the time we left to the store, Glenn's dad & Mike were the only people who weren't fully aware my uterus was being expelled from my body -_- But, there weren't any major family catastrophes as anticipated by both Adam and Lisa. I think it went well.
I don't have a perfect song for my feelings, because I don't really have a distinct feeling right now, other than the previously mentioned blah.
I really should start writing again. Maybe I'll have a good song to post then.
- Mood:
blah - Music:Vanessa Carlton:Ordinary Day
"Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin' to get by
Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
But he was looking to the sky
And as he asked if I would come along
I started to realize
That every day he finds just what he's looking for
Like a shooting star he shines
And he said, 'Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams lie right
In the palm of your hand?'
And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel, no
For I felt what I had not felt before
And you'd swear those words couldn't heal that
And as I looked up into those eyes
His vision borrows mine
And I know he's no stranger
For I feel I've held him for all of time
And he said, 'Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams right
In the palm of your hand
In the palm of your hand
Please come with me
See what I see
Touch the stars for time will not flee
Time will not flee, can't you see?'
Just a dream, just an ordinary dream
As I wake in bed
And the boy, that ordinary boy
Or was it all in my head?
Didn't he ask if I would come along?
It all seemed so real
But as I looked to the door
I saw that boy standing there with a deal
And he said, 'Take my hand
Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams lie right
In the palm of your hand
In the palm of your hand, in the palm of your hand'
Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin to get by
Just a boy, just an ordinary boy
But he was looking to the sky"
- Mood:
touched - Music:Vanessa Carlton:Ordinary Day
I used to feel awful for thinking that about her, dismissed it that I was just angry.
But that's not it. I really and honestly do hate my mother.
She tries to manipulate me by being kind to me, and turns around on it without warning.
She is entirely two faced and backstabbing.
She says I'm here to use her?
What the hell.
She wanted me here up until I got here.
As soon as Adam left she turned it all on me.
And I really hate her. She's an awful person.
For everything nice or selfless she's done for me, she has successfully cancelled it out with something horrid or pyschologically damaging.
I don't know if I can stay here. But I also don't know if I can leave.
"Everybody sins and it all begins,
It goes back around, nobody ever wins
And you stab yourself in the back
Everybody just relax!
It all just hits so close to home,
We all got friends but we stand alone,
And you're on your own from a broken home,
You keep the truth inside and it stays unknown
Nostalgia hits and it's time to quit,
And everybody acts like it don't mean shit!"
"This love, This Hate
Is Burning me away
It's harder times like these that never change"
- Location:HELL
- Mood:Trapped [Again]
- Music:Hollywood Undead:Knife Called Lust
He's only been gone two nights.
It's hard to sleep alone.
I called him yesterday but Mom's been out with Jack till late tonight so I couldn't call the house tonight, but it's free all day tomorrow so I'll wake him up when I get up.
I waited all day for it to be 9pm but then Mom went out and I couldn't call him anyway.
I looked at some houses and trailers for cheap rent in Pensacola so hopefully Adam and I will be out and together soon.
Sam said he's buying a car for $400 so I'm hoping that will work out for him.
So I actually did go to work today. I HAVE done more than just sit around and miss Adam...well, before noon anyway. I think I'll go to bed soon and try not to think about it.
- Mood:
lonely - Music:Flyleaf:All Around Me
The next day, Mom kicked him out.
He left last night.
The house is full, and it feels empty.
My bed is so empty.
I'm trying this whole optimism thing. So, on the happy side, I am registered into PJC to start in January. That's really the only reason I didn't go with him. Maybe I should have anyway, but if I don't start college now I never will. If he loves me, we will be ok. And that man does love me.
I realize that I only tend to write when I'm upset, because it's a coping mechanism. The result has become that my journal consists only of unhappy memories, so even though I don't feel like it, I should post something positive.
We came down to FL October 24th and went to the fair with my mom and Aunt Karen the next day, Sunday the 25th. We had a fun time together, which we really hadn't been doing lately. I rode a few rides up until I started feeling sick. Adam took a picture of me on the ride that's on Problem Child that the kid barfs everywhere on. Before that we all rode a baby version of the Himalaya, because Mom wanted to and we didn't realize it was a kiddie ride until we were on it =P. However, I intentionally made Adam ride the carousel with me, tradition any time I go to a carnival. But, Adam devoted the entire night to trying to win me something, which I thought was adorable. So we blew all our money on rigged games that he only played according to the stuffed animals they had as prizes. Then we ended up getting hustled into some dart game in which we blew the rest of it for a little stuffed husky and a tiny fishy. Adam felt really bad but i told him I liked the puppy and the fish was cute. I really do like the puppy. His name is Balto. My Aunt won two teddy bears, one from her weight and the other from her age at the guessing booths. Oh, and Mom bought me a doughboy, which I haven't had since Maine. I thought it was a northern thing, since all I've seen down here have been "funnel cakes".
On Halloween, the night he proposed, it was on the way to Monterrey's Mexican Grill. We went with Mom, Aunt Karen, and her "fiance" David who drove down from Opp, AL for the night. Anyway, they do karaoke every Saturday, so that's why we all went, because apparently I'm awesome and they all came to hear me sing. And I was, awesome that is =P Adam had never heard me sing with a mic and all, so he was really surprised. He said he almost cried. So, that night was fun.
Ok, sick of talking about happy things now.
I'm having trouble finding a relative lyric today, because my emotions are what the Golden Girls call "magenta".
And I went back to the loony bin.
Everyone involved failed to realize that I was on new antidepressants that made me go crazy.
On June first, in the hospital, Adam asked me to officially be his girlfriend and go away to live with his sister Lisa in Birmingham.
So we went.
And we got along, and we fought, and it was either heaven or hell, depending.
Now we're back at Mom's, and I'm listening to them argue about my future.
Adam's done with me.
He stormed out. Which I caused.
When he gets home he's moving out.
And I will be alone.
Again.
I'm going to try again while he's gone.
If I fail I'll go back to the institution.
And I don't care.
Stupid girl, I shoulda known
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
To come around"
- Mood: sad
My car is in the shop. $639 to fix it. Yay. -_-
Adam's out with friends tubing today. I don't know where Mom is. I'm doing laundry.
I started anti-depressants this week. I feel a lot better in general. I think they help.
I also started birth control.
I guess I don't really have anything important to say. I'm just home alone and bored.
I could go somewhere but I don't feel like it.
Adam's sister Lisa and her boyfriend Glen will be here in a couple weeks.
Ashtin's graduation is June 5. I promised I'd go to Birmingham for it. I want to see Olivia and Sam anyway.
Holly, Holly, and the baby Natalie are coming to visit beginning of June. That will be nice.
For now, mainly there's lots of sitting and waiting for the washer to cut off so I can start the next load.
I feel old.
I sent Heather her things today. I think it helped. I don't miss her so much or as often anymore. I'm getting better. I know that in a way it's a good thing that Adam doesn't want a relationship yet because I'm not fully ready to give my all yet either. I know I can't until I can allow myself to feel the same way for him that I felt for Heather. And that will take a while. We're completely over, and I am stronger now. At least that's a step.
"I saw the tears on your face
I shut you down
And I slammed the door but
Couldn't make a sound, so
Please stay sweet, my dear
Don't hate me now"
"The broken glass, your moistened skin
Was everything, was everything
And your broken voice
Was quivering
You're everything, you're everything
Scream at me, make it the best I ever heard
Laugh out loud, I know it sounds absurd"
- Mood: bored
- Music:Secondhand Serenade:The Last Song Ever
When Mike went to Korea, I cried my eyes out. It broke me. I thought that there may have been something there, but there wasn't, and there's not.
Adam wants to enlist. And it's going to kill me.
Too young for him, they told her
Waitin for the love of a traveling soldier"
- Mood: worried
- Music:Dixie Chicks:Traveling Soldier
Adam's in Birmingham for Mothers' Day. I called him to tell him. He was relieved. I was in pain.
I took Mom to Applebee's for lunch. We tried to go to the animal shelter, but they were closed. I forgot that absolutely everything is closed on Sundays in the deep South. Praise Jesus -_-
We stopped by a couple tattoo parlors on the way home (apparently tattooed hoodlums don't need to take the day off to praise Jesus). I decided not to get my tarot card just yet, so I got rough prices on my liles for my feet. Then I went home and drew it out.
Aunt Karen and Grandma slept over last night cuz their air conditioning is broken, which is pretty much a crisis when you live in FL.
Currently I'm washing laundry, including Adam's clothes and bedding.
He should be home Wednesday. I miss him.
Katie Mayberry and Marlo both graduate tomorrow, but they told me so late notice I couldn't get out of my shift. I need the hours anyway though. I was supposed to see Katie today because she's moving next week, but it's been storming all morning. It's let up now so I guess I'll go call her. I really need something to do.
I think about Adam way too much. I guess I keep forgetting he's scheduled to be home Wednesday, because everytime a car rolls by it sounds like him pulling into the driveway and my heart jumps. Which, unfortunately is something I do every night I'm home before he is waiting for him when he's in town. I hope that every car is him. Ugh. I'm like a little schoolgirl.
I think I'll go watch porn now....
Oh, and call Katie.
"Though I keep running,
I just can't seem to break from these chains"
- Mood:
groggy - Music:Edwin McCain:Write Me a Song
I want to get the fuck out of here. As soon as I came back I remembered why I left. I hate it here.
Fuck PJC.
When I get the money I'm gone.
"In a day and a day love
I'm gonna be gone for good again"
- Mood:
pissed off - Music:Eve 6:Here's to the Night
It's been...extremely stressful all week.
Adam decided that we're not doing anything, period, until I'm on birth control. He's "distancing" himself from me because it scared him.
I feel like shit. A couple days ago we had a talk about how he was "strongly considering" a relationship with me. Now he doesn't even want to be anywhere around me. I guess he changed his mind. Now I'm a big red flag.
I feel rejected. I feel like I have to measure up to his standards to be good enough to even be considered, because obviously I'm not good enough. But, I guess none of that matters anymore anyway. He doesn't want to be with me. He never will.
I'm supposed to take the other test to make him feel better in a week if I still haven't started. It will probably also be negative. And if it's not, I am an 18-year-old McDonald's girl living with her smothering mommy. I can't support a baby. I can't support me. And Adam doesn't want a baby...Adam doesn't even want me. He acts like if I am I did it on purpose just to complicate his life. What does he expect me to say? "Gee, Adam, I'm sorry I got pregnant!"
"No wedding ring, chipped fingernail polish,
She always wished that she could go to college
But some dreams fade, they just slip away
She started to show
A few months ago
And she had to go"
- Mood: stressed
- Music:Sara Evans:Backseat of a GreyHound Bus
So, surfing through my "already printed" album on walmart.com, I found a bunch of pictures of Heather. My last entry rings true. I miss her. Should I feel bad for missing her? I mean, Adam doesn't WANT me to have feelings for him anyway. But I do, and therefore I feel a little guilty. But I miss her.
I don't regret her, and I don't need her back...
But I miss her.
"If I never knew you,
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be"
"If I never knew you
I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true"
- Mood: content
- Music:Disney's Pocahontas:If I Never Knew You
And you miss them.
And then you wonder if it will ever go away. You wonder if one day you'll stumble across yet another remnant and you won't have to pause to think about them, and it won't rush over you again.
You wonder...if it's ever really over.
"Is it cold where you're sleeping?
Do you keep on wishing, that someday I might just show up?
Remember the plans that we made,
About getting married and where we would stay?
Do you still hope we end up that way?"
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Man With Robot Hands:I Can't Name You
I'm not that worried about it. I'm just bored so posting. And singing. Loudly.
Adam is in the Mancave, possibly trying to ignore the blaring country accompanied by me. He doesn't like country much.
My car doesn't have a radio. The entire four hours to Birmingham I sang. Country.
So I would imagine he's quite sick of hearing me, regardless of his opinion of my voice.
=P
"They said, 'Change your clothes!', she said, 'No, I won't!'
They said, 'Comb your hair!', she said, 'Some kids don't'
And her parents dreams went up in smoke
They said, 'You can't leave', she said, 'Yes I will!'
They said, 'Don't see him', she said, 'His name is Bill'
She's on a roll and it's all uphill
She's a wild one, with an angel's face
She's a woman, child, and a state of grace
When she was 3 years old on her daddy's knee
He said 'You can be anything you wanna be...'
She's a wild one, runnin' free!"
- Music:Faith Hill:She's a Wild One
Anyway, we spent our last night in AL in the shack. I was staring at him and he kept asking me what it was. I told him not to ask when he didn't want the answer. He asked again and I told him, "I love you, Adam."
I've been terrified to hear myself say it. At least he didn't say what I thought he would-- "No you don't." He gave me a long talk about how he "HAS" love for me but it's too hard for him to say he loves me. It wasn't bad. It was a relief to finally tell him.
But, right at this moment Mom wants to do a "girl's night out", so off we go.
"At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love..."
- Music:Disney's Hercules:I Won't Say
We're in AL for the funeral. Currently he's at the viewing with his family. He dropped me at Sam's...by myself.
Idk. I'm just trying to stay out of his way right now. He's, for obvious reasons, not the most fun to be around at the moment. He won't really talk to anyone. His mom said he was really close to his grandmother. It probably doesn't help that his uncle committed suicide 4 months ago.
I want to be there for him and support him, but really I don't think he needs me around right now. I feel a little guilty for not going to the funeral, but he wouldn't tell me he wanted me to go. I don't think he wants me there. I understand that. I just hope I did the right thing by letting him go by himself.
So, right now Todd is at work and Sam called in sick so she's at Todd's mother's with the baby. So basically I'm at their house by myself on their computer. But, I used to practically live here so it doesn't really feel awkward or anything. I'm just bored. This is probably still better than being at the funeral home right now. I reeeeeaaaallly don't like funerals.
I hope he's ok.
- Mood: crappy
- Music:Blue October:Hate Me
The girlfriend really isn't a girlfriend, but that doesn't really matter.
I don't want to be with Heather. We're not stable. We won't be.
That's why I'm scared to talk to her. It makes me miss her. It makes me forget every reason we broke up. I want to move on and have a healthy relationship eventually, possibly with Adam. I can't see Heather. Not until I can do it without wanting her.
So, Adam is....being distant I guess. I asked if he cared if I went to see Marlo. Apparently I wouldn't have asked permission unless I was planning on doing something with him. I wasn't. I don't have feelings for Marlo. In the least. But, Adam was right when he told me that if I don't want anything to happen I shouldn't set myself up for it. So I didn't go.
Now he thinks that's a sign that I want to be with other people. I don't. I know it sounds like I latch onto people easily. I'm not latching onto Adam. He can be with whomever he wants. So could I for that matter. But I don't want to. It doesn't feel right.
I'm not really sure if it's that he's trying to give me MY space for that reason, or rather because he wants HIS space to meet people. I guess that's understandable. But he won't tell me that. For someone who preaches communication on a regular basis, he really hasn't been lately. Ever since then he's been a little stand-offish toward me. Like, he'll lay down with me and sleep but he steps away from me if I walk up to him to hug him, which he denies. I guess he constantly thinks I'm out to molest him. Which, currently, is off limits to me. That doesn't bother me. The reason behind it and the fact that I don't know what it is bothers me.
Maybe he thinks that all I want from him is sex. Maybe he's seeing if I'll go elsewhere if he won't sleep with me. That doesn't really seem like him, but then, people never "seem" to be capable of things like that in the beginning. Particularly the ones I date.
Adam seems different. And there comes an echo from the back of my mind, "Don't they always?"
I'm such a Pessimist.
I think too much. Maybe I'm just judging his actions based on the past assholes I've been with. It would be a whole lot easier not to if he would talk to me.
I despise guessing games.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I think I need a new shrink. Maybe my random change of mindset IS because my brain's fucked up.
Maybe I just need new and better pills.
"How many lovers would stay, just to put up with this shit day after day?
How do we wind up this way, watchin our mouths for the words that we say?
As long as we stand here waiting, wearin the clothes of the souls that we choose
How do we get there today, when we're walkin too far for the price of our shoes?"
- Mood:
confused - Music:Nine Days:Absolutely
Why does that upset me?
Heather sent me a messege asking for my number, but I didn't give it to her. I don't think I'm going to. I don't want to talk to her.
I'm not sure why I'm hurt. I'm sleeping with Adam.
...But, I'm not WITH Adam. And that's different. He's not...a girl...
He's not a replacement for her.
And she keeps our pictures up. Why?
It's a bang-your-head-repeatedly-against-the-wa
Why is that getting to me?
"Will you never call me again, and will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me...it is I that wanted this. Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you."
"In a sick way I wanna thank you for holding my head up late at night. While I was busy waging wars on myself you were trying to stop the fight. You never doubted my warped oppinions on things like suicide or hate. You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take. So I'll drive so fucking far away, that I never cross your mind. And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind."
- Mood: confused
- Music:Blue October:Hate Me
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